Before & After | STEM Content Revisited

Let's do one more Before & After exercise before we turn our attention to other topics.

In Before & After | STEM in Education & Industry, we examined a long, convoluted sentence and demonstrated ways to streamline it. (Please remember, this is not client-generated content, it's from a completely unrelated source.)

At the time, I noted the best solution might be to break the big concept into two or three short, succinct sentences.

A reader also voted for the two-sentence approach, so let's revisit the challenge and try that option.

Before & After | Manufacturing Intelligently

This before-and-after example comes from a working report, called Manufacturing Intelligently. It was developed several years ago by the National Institute for Standards & Technology (NIST).

NIST is a federal agency that works with industry to develop and apply technology, measurements and standards. This particular report explored ways to streamline and optimize manufacturing operations.

That sounds interesting and perhaps useful, doesn’t it? Let’s take a peek.

Before & After | Talking Turkey

Robin Feld, the creative mind behind Robin Feld Photography and Products 2 Pages, submitted this before-and-after concept in honor of Thanksgiving.

Before
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.

Transition
Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.

After
Gobble.

That sums things up nicely, doesn't it?

(Is it just me, or does the turkey look angry? It's understandable, I suppose.)

Enjoy your holiday.

_________________________________

Related
Before & After (series)
General | Thanksgiving Tidbits

Before & After | STEM in Education & Industry

My first boss was smart, capable and fun. He was also the master of the endless sentence.

One sentence equaled one paragraph, and one paragraph consumed most of a page. He knew he had that tendency and was quick to joke about it. Every time I encounter a long, convoluted sentence, he comes to mind. I think of him often.

Which brings us to our before and after example. It’s from a publication issued by a coalition of business leaders and educators regarding STEM education. This is not client-generated content, it comes from a completely unrelated source.

Before & After | What's the Message Here?

There are several problems with the following example, from both a business and language standpoint, so it’s difficult to know where to begin.

Let's take it one step at a time.

Context

Hilda Solis, the US labor secretary, replaced the standard black limousine used by cabinet members with a new Chevrolet Equinox SUV. The Equinox is more fuel efficient and maneuverable on crowded Washington streets. So far, so good.

Before & After | 5 Fast Fixes

We’ve devoted a fair block of time and pixels to the issue of price pressure.

We received many insightful, thought-provoking comments. One was an interesting discussion of product life cycles from Charlie Puissegur, owner of CHPuissegur & Associates and B2B Write Now guest contributor.

He expresses his ideas clearly and well, but with a little work his message could be cleaner, clearer, crisper and more effective. With Charlie’s permission, we’ve done a quick rewrite of his content.

First, read Charlie’s original remarks, captured in Price Pressure | Product Life Cycles. Now, read the revised version below.

Before & After | Keep it Simple

We've all done it. We've written something technical, detailed or complex, and instead of providing clarity, we create confusion.

We've all seen someone else do it. We've read, or tried to read, something important to our work or business, and instead of useful information, we've discovered gobbledygook.

Who has the time and patience to wade through unnecessary arglebargle? Anyone? Anyone?

Before & After | Heat Shrinking

It's difficult to write about complex or technical topics in a manner that is easily understood by non-expert readers.

Nonetheless, it's a common challenge in today's business environment. This example, like several others we've shared, relates to Lean manufacturing and engineering.

The engineer’s goal, in this instance, was to clearly explain the concept of heat shrinking for both general and expert readers. Let's see how he handled the description.

Before & After | Blogging Through Time

Has Google Blogger discovered the secret of time travel?

It seems it has, according to one of its blog setup and handling instructions. Here's what Blogger says:

Before

Enter a comma separated list of up to 10 email addresses to have your blog mailed to whenever you publish. 20 words

Does your current blogging platform allow you to "have your blog mailed to whenever?" Think about it. You can post a blog today and email it to 2015, 2027, 2063 ...

Blogger doesn't actively promote this time-travel feature, but perhaps it should. The possibilities boggle (or should that be "bloggle"?) the mind.

Before & After | The Language of Business

In keeping with our recent theme, let’s take another quick look at content drawn from the world of finance. In this instance, finance is characterized as the language of business.

The Before excerpt below answers many questions. If finance managers cut their teeth on this type of communication, it explains why so many businesses issue incomprehensible financial reports and our tax code is filled with gobbledygook.

For the full effect, read Before & After | The Role of Finance, too.

Now imagine writing a website, report, policy or book in this manner. Imagine reading a webiste, report, policy or book written in this manner.

Before & After | The Role of Finance

Who doesn’t love to read about finance and its role in the business landscape? Add popcorn and a sugary drink, and it’s the next best thing to movie night.

This Before example illustrates all the excitement, drama and clarity that characterize every facet of business finance. When you read it, you want to weep.

Are they tears of joy? Tears of pain?

You decide.

Before & After | Rapid Prototyping

One of our clients was charged with creating a simple, crisp description of rapid prototyping, something that would help non-engineers understand what it was and how it worked.

Rapid prototyping is a method of building a sample or concept part to determine whether it meets expectations, fits where it’s supposed to fit, and functions as it should. These concept parts are fabricated in layers, using computer-guided 3D printers or similar technology.

The benefits are clearly stated in the term.

Before & After | Preventing Chatter

Mike Gugger is a Lean engineer and prolific writer. He's also a B2B Write Now guest contributor.

The Before paragraph (below) appeared in an article he wrote, called How to Recognize and Prevent Chatter.

He gave me permission to revise the article to demonstrate how to simplify and streamline technical content targeted to manufacturing engineers.

It’s appropriate this short excerpt deals with chatter. In machining, chatter slows production and diminishes quality.

In writing, excess words and “chatter” impede understanding, action and, yes, quality. See what you think.

Before & After | Lean Manufacturing

The Before paragraph (below) appeared in a Lean manufacturing services proposal. Lean principles emphasize keeping things simple, streamlined and focused.

Clearly, in this instance, those principles weren't applied. A colleague sent this excerpt as a real-world example of convoluted business language in action. It's far from the most extreme example in my inbox.

All the names and acronyms have been changed to protect the innocent ... and the not so innocent. As one engineer commented, "One sentence, one paragraph. What was he thinking? He knows better, too."

See what you think.