In Before & After | STEM in Education & Industry, we examined a long, convoluted sentence and demonstrated ways to streamline it. (Please remember, this is not client-generated content, it's from a completely unrelated source.)
At the time, I noted the best solution might be to break the big concept into two or three short, succinct sentences.
A reader also voted for the two-sentence approach, so let's revisit the challenge and try that option.
The example, as you may recall, comes from a STEM education publication issued by a coalition of educators and business leaders. STEM stands for science, technology, engineering and math, and it's a hot topic right now.
Before
Both the Model and the overall approach aim to foster the development of a knowledge base that allows the diverse community of stakeholders, including policymakers, funders and educators, to examine a range of issues and potential solutions that focus on increasing interest and proficiency among students in STEM majors and careers, as well as meet the dynamic needs of the STEM workforce. Word count: 62
After (v3)
The Model and approach develop a knowledge base for stakeholders. This allows policymakers, funders and educators to pinpoint issues and solutions that increase student interest and proficiency in STEM majors and careers to meet STEM workforce needs. Word count: 37 | Reduction: 40%
As the commenter noted, shorter sentences allow you to focus on the message, not the structure. That certainly seems true here. The two-sentence solution makes the key concepts easier to grasp and helps reduce overall word count. Three compact, straightforward sentences would be even better.
Click the article link in the second paragraph to see the initial rewrites, and click here to see all Before & After examples.
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Related
Before & After | Manufacturing Intelligently
Education & Industry: Divided by the Same Language
Manufacturing | Who Will Make it in America?
