Clearly, in this instance, those principles weren't applied. A colleague sent this excerpt as a real-world example of convoluted business language in action. It's far from the most extreme example in my inbox.
All the names and acronyms have been changed to protect the innocent ... and the not so innocent. As one engineer commented, "One sentence, one paragraph. What was he thinking? He knows better, too."
See what you think.
Before
While it is premature to propose any effort to assist DFC determine new tooling and machining parameters until a new lead free or reduced lead brass alloy is selected, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention TSI’s ability to assist DFC identify, select, evaluate, implement, and optimize new cutting tools, machining techniques, etc. that might improve the productivity and reduce the cost associated with the production of faucet components manufactured from the selected lead free or reduced lead brass. Word count: 80
After
Until a new lead free or reduced lead brass alloy is selected, new tooling and machining parameters cannot be defined. TSI will assist DFC in identifying, evaluating and selecting the best alloy. Then, we will help implement, assess and optimize new cutting tools and machining techniques to improve productivity and reduce faucet component production costs. Word count: 55 | Reduction: 30%+/-The rewrite above is only one of many options. How would you rewrite it?
Meanwhile, check out more Before & After examples and content related to Lean manufacturing.
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